_{/Rant ahead, those with sensitive stomachs, heart problems, pregnant woman, and the elderly please turn back/}

Please let it be known no one needs to inform me the proper way to rant.

I am inadequate, maybe not to you. Or your art teacher in High School. Or even to world renowned artists. But to myself.

People, close to me, pressuring and mocking my inadequacy. I am 20 years old and I've never gone to college. The main reason being I don't have the funding for it. Family members who are very willing to bring this up and beat it like a rotted horse carcass in the mid day sun. "Oh Emily, look at that your friend is already in HER second year of College...and she's younger than you. How charming" Yeah, yeah I know that. Thanks

Feeling that, no matter how much I draw I am running in a hamster wheel. Unable to progress and move further. Seeing so many people far better than myself, and wishing that I could be just 1/100th of what they are. Of what other people accomplish. Of not wanting to be inadequate. It is not wrong to compare yourself, everyone on the planet has. It's wrong to want to beat yourself up about not being them.

Feeling that no matter how many pictures I take, there's no point. Feeling that with every opportunity in the world I shouldn't try. Because I am not them. I am not good enough. That I won't ever BE good enough.

That I am an inferior being.

Everyone is more skilled than someone else, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is no grudge to be held for someone who's worked harder and achieved more than yourself. But it doesn't make me feel less inadequate.

It doesn't make me stop feeling jealous of the skinny little Ballerina in the apartment next door, and wish I could be half as pretty as that woman is. That some people seem to have everything you do not and it does not bring anger for that person but anger for yourself and not matching up to what you feel your own standards are or should be. Standards of ability, of beauty. Of feeling chubby and insecure.

Of imagining where you would be at 20 years old when you where 16 and finding that through no one's fault but your own, you failed miserably. Then wondering, where you will be in 10 years, or 20.

Wondering if my 'art' will ever mean anything in the end. That I have an extremely talented sister at an extremely talented Art School with amazing photography, working full time and going through her final years of college. But I have nothing to show.

Fighting the world against ending up in a cubicle somewhere, filing papers all day in a boring Business firm somewhere in the world. Fighting being dull and gray forever. But not believing in yourself enough not slip into that which you so desperately despise.

Looking up to the people you admire in life, and knowing that you will be nothing like them. That they are so far from your level you are in an entirely different universe.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~ Eleanor Roosevelt